Wednesday, November 26, 2008
My earliest memory is of waking up in the wee hours of the morning, the pre-dawn incandescent tube light of the room opening my sleepy eyes, the bustling activity of getting ready for school and eating a small breakfast with my sister before rushing downstairs and waiting for the school bus, Mother yelling in the background to be careful not to jump in the puddles. There in school, in the company of my little friends we would listen to tapes and make clay bracelets, play in the mud, run around chasing each other, playing hide-and-seek and then hiding in the tree-house that was the centre of our universe, giggling uncontrollably all the while.
Holidays were an integral part of my life, and I looked forward to it minute by minute. I had to compulsorily participate in all the summer activities of swimming, basketball and so on. I would read ‘Secret Seven’ and ‘Tom Sawyer’ and other such classics and get lost in the fantasy world of the fascinating characters. My sister and I would fuss for hours over Barbie’s hair, carelessly using all the shampoo in pampering the 19 of the plastic dolls with the pride of a rich landlord. Those days of utter innocence and childlike questions regarding the most absurd things were just divine.
I recollect how, one day when me and my sister sat at the balcony, sharing a binocular to see a faraway ship on the sea, a pigeon flew over to the parapet and built a nest in front of our eyes, unsuspectingly catching our awe and interest. Regularly we would come to spy on the bird’s haven, and we were ecstatic when the pigeon laid eggs outside the window. But one day, we discovered the nest was no longer there, and we became so sad about it that we did'nt get over it for days.
A memory echoes in my mind, thinking about the past. It is of a time when I was only eight, a playful school-girl, her biggest worry being about petty little tea parties and cooler Tiffin boxes. Mother was my pride and my super hero. I showed her off to all my friends; her amazing food, her beauty and her grace. I was cross-eyed about Mother, and often I would watch her getting dressed, lipstick shimmering, earrings dancing and her bright beautiful eyes brightening my spirits. Father, Mother and my sister Kyra, we would all go for weekly dinners, drive-in movies, the works. We were a happy family, and we did what all happy families do.
But then dramatically, tragedy struck, and the happiness was to end. In the year of 1998, when I was barely a grown-up, Mother was diagnosed with cancer. There were tests, and there were hospital visits and then there were more tests, and more hospital visits, until one day Mother’s health worsened and she was admitted in the hospital.
After that, Father put us in a boarding school, far away from the world of pungent hospital air and tears. I was completely heartbroken and felt utterly helpless all the time. I hated the boarding and despised everything about it. Mother was transported cross country for treatment and I was beginning to believe that I wouldn’t see her again. Crying into the pillow late in the night and praying in the chapel of our convent school, Kyra and I were inconsolably miserable about Mother. The only thing positive about that experience was Father visiting us monthly, giving us treats and making us feel happy again, and giving news about Mother.
Then after two years of gruelling anticipation and long days of deep remorse and anxiety, our prayers were answered. I got to see my mother, though she wasn’t looking perfectly healthy, she was healing, the cancer gone, but leaving its scars in everyone’s life. It was a magical moment. Seeing her in that hospital bed, lying there and looking so fragile and so frail, tears streamed down my face and my heart rejoiced as I went to my mother, embracing that small person, that person for whom I owed my existence to
Often in life there are times when you feel so overwhelmed with happiness, it’s almost unreal, like magic. But when I saw my mother there, after believing I wouldn’t see her anywhere except in my dreams or in heaven, I did feel the magic, and I’m sure it was.
Peace and love is the most sought after thing in the world. It's so sad, we're not even trying. And even if we are, we are not trying enough, like children, we are resorting to force to get what we want, even if its bad. And evil is outnumbering the good, or perhaps the good is not putting forward a good enough fight. If we as humans are fighting among ourselves, then what are we fighting for? And how long will we be having these wars? Until a large enough number of people come forward and make it clear, make the point that it's so pointless, and instead of signing fancy treaties and pacts that are revised all the time, we should just not fight. I mean, we are so cruel to one other, BEHEADING! KILLING! BOMBS, WHAT NOT! How long will we kill, in the name of God, in the name of peace, patriotism, religion. Will we ever be able to join hands, be truly civilized? And Live in peace. Will we ever make it? Is it so impossible to unite the world, at least on humanitarian grounds, if not religion or nationality, to bring about a simple thing like peace. And love. Whatever happened to brotherhood, simple innocence's, an uncomplicated way of life? I guess that's why there are nations, religions, races. We just can't get along and be one big nation can we? We are all bound by a thread. If you come to see, the entire world is flourishing because of water. Imagine if we had no water, we'd be extinct within a week. Or salt!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
A- Albino. don't know why, it just came to me!
B- Babies, I love babies, I wish I was surrounded by 100 babies all the time. Small babies but, as soon as they turn 3 they get annoying.
C- Cinderella. Its my favourite movie of all time. Timeless.
D- ? I'm thinking..D for dapple?! D for Dall? D for Dog!. yay!
E- Elephants. I love elephants. cute animals..
F- Frog. Fish fry, fanatics. don't like either!
G- Godzilla! I liked that movie..!
H- Harshita, she's my sister and one of my favourite persons.
I- India, "mera bharat mahan". Even with all the potholes and the corrupted politicians.
J- Jam with real pieces of fruit in it, especially strawberry and mulberry!:)
K- For Kamna, M-E
L- Lameness of life, which is perpetual in my case.(what am I saying?!)
M- Mother. The only person who can love you unconditionally.
N- Nature. The reason for our existence.
O- O for oxygen. I love the song by Colbie.
P- Pretty. Oh I'm so pretty :) lame, told you!
Q- Q for QAT, I don't know what it means, but it always helps me in Scrabble. Arre haan, it means "an evergreen shrub".
R- Ratatouille. I loved that movie. Hate real rats!!!
S- S for stupid, because that's how my ABC is going!!
T- Tangerine, I love tangerines, I can eat 6 at a time!
U- Under my umbrella ell la ella ey ey..(sorry taneesha, this is the best use of U!)
V- Variety Kellogg's cornflakes, my favourite, it comes in different small packets. :D
W- Witchcraft, my most obscene ambition in life!
X- XU, XI, XE these are the only 3 letter words you can make in scrabble. (shit i am obsessed!)
Y- Yay! one of my favourite words!
Z- Zee TV?! Zebra(is the black stripes on the white body or the other way around??)
Thursday, October 16, 2008
- Climb Everest. (Totally cliched, I know, but who doesn't want to be on the top of the world!)
- Skydive.(My dad's done it, and it's on video..just hope i do it without chicken-ing out!)
- And Bungee Jump.(Okay, maybe not, maybe ill faint just looking down!)
- Come on a reality TV show like "Moment of Truth" or "The Amazing Race."
- Meet and write a song and perform with any one of my favourite artists(Highly unlikely, but a dream's a dream)
- Live in a country home, you know, lakefront mansion, tea on the porch, the works.
- Go to as many wildlife national parks around the world. I do want to see the animals before they are extinct.
- Sleep in a four-poster bed. And a water bed.
- Drive on a road that never ends, not too fast, again on a country road. Hopefully.
- Learn how to dance, properly, any dance form. (belly dance!)
- Learn a foreign language. French, Portuguese, Spanish, any! (and have secret conversations no one understands)
- Experience something out of the world, magic, anything spiritually significant.
- Write a book.
- Travel continuously for a year, at least.
- Fall in Love, true love, with some one like Rhett from "Gone With The Wind" and not mess it up like Scarlett did. (Okay, this one is dramatic)
- See the best sunset, or sunrise, whatever, anything beautifully moving.
- Encounter a personality as great as Gandhi or something, just to be momentarily mesmerized.
- Sing from the soul and dance to the music of the world, actually, first be able to listen to that sound, like Brida can, but then that's fiction. Or is it?
- Now I am blabbering. Something more real now. I want to sleep in Egyptian cotton. (Don't ask me, Gwen Stefani thinks it's "luxurious")
- Yeah, I think that's about it, but then people never stop wishing or dreaming, do they? An update soon.
- Oh ya! I want to also have a chance-meeting with someone I haven't seen for a long time.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Kim continued with her story… “Ben this is not Mr. Ross. This is Harvey. I could not recognize him when he checked in on the day before. The truth is that I was married to him and never got divorced. I ran away from him for my safety. I thought he was a murderer. It was on the same day I met you on the ship. That night I lied to you because I wanted to leave the past behind me. I was in need of a new beginning. It was you who I loved; I didn't think it would matter. I wanted to start afresh, forgetting everything that happened. When you went away to work in the navy promising that we would get married when you return my mother got me married to Harvey. I could not defy her because I loved her too much and it was her dying wish. I could not shatter all her hopes and dreams so I agreed to marry Harvey despite my love for you. I had lost all hope on the dreams we shared together and lived with Harvey for five years trying to forget our love but I couldn’t.
Harvey was the head of the factory my father used to work in. The only reason my mother got me married to him was because she thought he would be able to take care of me and keep me happy because he was a rich man. He seemed like a nice man but I never trusted him because the truth is I never really knew him. The truth is none of us did. He told me he loved me but I never loved him back. I told him about you and that I would never love another man but it seemed like he still hoped that one day I would love him back.
One day when he was away on a business trip and I was home alone I decided to take a walk to the supermarket. When I was walking back home I was stunned to see Harvey’s picture on a wanted poster in front of the police station. Apparently he was wanted for a serious crime. He had killed an old woman. I was scared. I was all alone and did not know what to do. That is when I decided to leave. I made my safety a reason to leave him. He was never angry or unjust with me. The truth is I used that as my opportunity to think of him as a bad person. I know I was wrong now. I did not ask for the truth. I used that as a justification for my own actions. I did not care whether he was a criminal or not and so I left, leaving him a note saying that I was never to return.
That is when we met on your cargo ship. You were like a silver lining around all the grey clouds in front of me. A new hope was formed, hope to start a new life and forget about Harvey. That is why I chose not to tell you that night. I’m sorry Ben. I feel guilty for not telling you and even worse for doing this to Harvey. Please forgive me.” Ben kissed her softly on her forehead and said, “Its okay darling, I can understand what a shock this must be to you. I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault Kim. Let’s put all this behind us…you know I love you.”
Saturday, January 12, 2008
What is my heart's desire?
Do i wish to stay, watch and wallow in self-pity and solitude?
Should i surrender to all the forces that are keen to absorb me?
Am I to leave, without thinking to sustain, uncaring and absurd?
Where am I to go and where do I belong?
The old past is forgotten, this deserted path is uncertain,
and what awaits me is completely questionable..
I've lost my sense of self, lost all that rightness in my head
And I'm devoid of an emotion..
Tearless eyes and a speechless mouth
What am I to say or do anymore?
is there an objective, or even a reason?
Lost more than I could ever forget
Loved more than I could ever forgive
The distance ever increasing
Pleasure and pain ever so fulfilling
Where am I? Am i already dead, is this how it feels?
Where have I left my heart?
I need it all back now, it's more than I've got
My life, my virtue, my everything
Knew it all, my past and my future,
& I can't not wonder, it's not so far from a thunder,
But i'm still hanging on,
Waiting and Expecting..
I'm still holding on,
Im fed up of saying this word,
Longing for a life that isn't this difficult..
I know it's waiting out there somewhere,
However predictable it is,
I'm yet so unsure about it..
I might drift off somewhere in the middle of this journey to a good life..
In the middle of this anticipation...
There's a song I want to sing,
A voice that i hear,
Something inside of me..
It's like some kind of indescribable mystery
I'm trying so hard to let it out,
It's so strange because everything around me is so real...