Thursday, November 18, 2010

Mood Writings

We all need our screen savers. It helps us feel good about ourselves. We need to feel like we're in control of our lives. A natural kind of contentment towards the way things are around us. Our unchanging relationships, constant self assurance of who we think we are; all these things help us keep our sanity. These form the basis of our reality. We take these things for granted because it never threatens; it is quiet and seemingly unimportant but it forms all that we are.
It is when realization creeps in that it all slowly starts falling apart. One by one, everything you've ever taken for granted, ever unconditionally believed in, starts to threateningly question it's presence. You start realizing things about yourself you'd only before shrug off when mentioned before. You start to consciously despise what you've done, what you do, even though you try and make yourself not to do in the first place. Soon, you start jeopardizing all these relationships little by little. You don't like what you are anymore. The screen saver is crumbling. You feel hopeless; helpless. You start writing in horribly jumbled 3rd person tense; trying to make sense of things. Trying to weigh it all on your head. Try and keep the sand from slipping through your fingers. With whatever little pretense you have retained you like thinking writing about it will make it any better. As much as you can deny it, you know deep down this is change. You are changing. You also know deep down that you are angry. So very angry. You wish you weren't here. Wish you didn't have to try so hard to be normal. You wish you knew what's making you this angry. Now you feel like writing this was fruitless like you'd imagined it'd be. You want to immerse yourself in a corner and just read all day. Not face anybody. Not talk to anybody.
It's so loud. It's unavoidable. You try hard to shut it all out. Find some quiet within. Conquer this feeling. Be bigger. Stronger. Understand. Forgive yourself.