Sunday Selfing

How well each day turns out is pretty much equal to which version of you decided to play frontwoman that morning. Today, being a Sunday, seems to have allowed my inner disciplinarian to show up. Of course, she does show up unannounced, but my other alter ego - insufferably spoilt child-adult is always armoured and ready to beat her down to a pulp.

I wonder a lot about self-love and I know now, probably always have known, that self-love is almost entirely dependent on self-discipline. It's crazy how much leeway you can give yourself in the name of being lazy, or tired, or lazy because of being tired, or worse: both.

I initially opened up my laptop to binge House of Cards but then somehow landed on here, writing about what I'm feeling, rather than doing what I seem to do every Sunday anyway.

I am guilty. I am guilty of letting my life pass me by and it's because I am Brutus-ing. I am torn between doing something and doing nothing about my problems. I am slowly inching up Maslow's hierarchy of needs and it's happening without my actively wanting it to happen.

This blog post is not about me proclaiming some big metamorphic personality change. I think it's just my way of accepting my insecurities, translating them into nice chewable words and maybe being able to do something about it. I'm going to document every little thing that's been bothering me about how I'm living my life in the hope that now that's on the public blogosphere, my guilt deepens and that induces action. What's scary is that I could feel better and continue to do nothing. But that's the risk I'll take. :)

How good is it to be self-aware? And be an over-thinker at the same time? Not so good. I'll tell you why. Because self-awareness combined with fluctuating self esteem levels leads to self-pity and self-deprecation. And ultimately, unwelcome posts like these.

It's hard being painfully honest with yourself. It's like being your own best friend who will tell you straight up to your face what's wrong with you when you'd much rather just pretend nothing's the matter. But I want to try, and I want to do it for the sake of catharsis, and self-improvement. Or whatever I'll tell myself. Even though I want to go back and count the number of times I've said "self" in this post already, I'm going to swallow the impulse and just get started. I'm going to just make a neat little list of everything I don't like and want to change about myself.

1. I gobble. I literally don't chew. Case in point: while writing this, my mom decided I should eat breakfast. I must have gorged on the tea and parathas in no less than 5 minutes while thinking about what I'd write next and itching to get back to the laptop. I have lost count of the number of times my mom will look at me while we're eating dinner and say "Slow down, what's the hurry?!" And I try. I want to enjoy my food. I want to make it last and really chew. Take small bites and devour each one. But somewhere along the line, my relationship with food has gotten so bad that while I appreciate the sight and the smell, I need to finish the act of eating so that I can move on to the next thing. Because food's food right? It's just a meal to get over with. But no. I don't like that. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes after a meal or even during the day. And that's because I drink my water too fast too. My dream is that I mindfully eat; that I take charge of not just how I'm eating, but also what and when.
   
   
2. I need to make use of the gigantic gallon full of apple cider vinegar I have. I hate being wasteful. I hate opening up my cupboard and making eye contact with that abominable container. I got it thinking I'll use it for my skin, hair, and overall health but I haven't found a way to regularly use the damn thing.
   
   
3. Speaking of unused things, my mom got me this electric kettle a couple of years ago when I really got into brewing teas before bed. I just stopped using it. It's just lying there, a reminder of a lovely idea that I can enjoy a hot drink of water or tea whenever I'd like. In pursuit of a disciplined life, I imagine that I will use it every single day, morning and night.
   
   
4. I work 9-10 hours a day and my work is very fulfilling, but I really wish I could squeeze in an hour of physical exercise everyday. It's the one thing that really bothers me. For the longest time, I would either be enrolled in some kind of Zumba or Yoga, hell even a CrossFit class but for the last 6 months, I've stopped all classes. This means that the chance of any kind of exercise happening completely depends on will. I tire easily, I sleep deeply, and I find it difficult to get out of bed. My stamina is shit. I am 25 and I recently found out that my metabolic age is 34. I fire myself up to go for walks, or start Couch to 5k programs, but that rarely lasts longer than a week. I make excuses: "It's wintertime, I am not going to ruin deep sleep for an early morning run", "I am not a morning person, I literally can't follow through", "I don't have any energy to do a post-work workout", and my latest excuse: "I'll wait for all my music to be uploaded to Apple Music and then start." It just goes on and on. I like my body and its curves and it's no longer about looking hot, but more about feeling strong and energetic. When I was in Japan, I used to easily walk some 5-10 kilometers a day and it was the most exercise I got all year. Everyday I woke up feeling so good, so full of energy and just so ready. I have an entire section in my cupboard devoted to just workout wear, again, going completely unused. Somewhere, I know I can do this. It's just a matter of saying, fuck it, I'm going to do this for me and no excuses allowed. I just need to start and not give up for a change.
   
   
5. I'm getting older, and so is my skin. I would love to start a nice nighttime skincare regimen. I am already kind of getting there, what with the introduction of coconut oil in my life. But I want to have an elaborate system where I diligently follow steps so it's more satisfying to do.
   
   
6. I've been going to Scrabble national tournaments once a year, every year, since 2010. And I'm not getting better. I don't practice, I don't prepare, and I don't play as much as I used to. I hate that I'm withdrawing from it when I love it so much. I get so into it for the 3 days that it happens, and for 10 days after, and then it just gets forgotten. My dream is that, in my newfound disciplined life, I get into studying lists (the best players study!), and I practice at least 4-5 hours per week.
   
   
7. My music is so passionlessly ignored. I want to take up an instrument, ideally keys, and really get into studying music theory. I know that it will help me in composing. My songwriting skill needs a lot of work too. While I find it simple to write poems, I simply struggle with writing "normal people" lyrics and creating melodies. I would love to be able to create an additional source of income doing live gigs in a band, writing great music and improving my own singing skill. I feel like a copycat/mimicry artist sometimes: that I only know how to catch a tune and copy someone else's singing. That I have no original talent because I don't know how to or can't understand how to vocally harmonize. But I like that I think of my music this critically now. I think it will help me work on it and get better.
   
   
8. I need to finish my knitting project. I started knitting this long wool blanket (for my future puppy/baby; whichever comes earlier) almost 3 years ago and it's still just the length of a washcloth. Ideally, I should be knitting mindlessly every time I am mindlessly watching TV. But it's wonderfully neglected in a drawer with my socks that I never open because who needs socks if you're not going to workout?

Umm... I think that's all the problems I have with myself. I actually feel a little better. Now back to resuming my "normal" Sunday bingeing session.