Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Another Lost Friend

I've lost friends before. It hurts yeah, but most times it makes sense, and there's not much emotional involvement, so it's get-over-able. Sometimes, when you give too much, actually all times when you do, you end up hurt. This is just a little something for someone I've not exactly lost, but we've lost touch, and that sucks.
You know how it is. Shit happens all the time.
Just so all you friends of mine know, although sometime I hog the conversation and make everything about me. I have been told I have narcissistic tendencies, and I'm most times the conversation-hogger.
Remember, that I love you!
Here it goes:
I miss you everyday. I miss talking to you. I miss everything about you. You kept me sane. Without you life is not the same. Ha ha that rhymed. I need to talk to you we must meet. You won't even read this. I hate it. I hate that you've disappeared. You're my only true friend. You know me. You know all there is to know. That's probably why I've lost you. You couldn't take my emotional baggage anymore. You couldn't stand all my inconsistencies and tolerate my madness. And I hate that. Things will never be the same, I know. Why do things have to change? Why did I give so much? How could I have been so naive? Nothing lasts, I'll remember. I don't want to be in this position ever again. This sucks supremely. I miss our morning walks. Our long talks. Hanging out at your place. Travelling together. You listening to all my Shit. I miss us, more than I can say. I am so sick of losing friends. For whatever reasons. I'm not going to give again as much as I used to anymore. Doesn't make sense. Because when you lose people it just adds all up and makes you less trusting, insecure, bitter and hateful. And i don't want to be that person. Anything but. I need to be positive, need to have a reason to believe. I want hope that you'll come around soon. I'm not willing to move on, because you have a part of me that's my best, and I'm not going anywhere till I can reunite with that part.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Afterlife

Another SHE if you may. Although a little more vague. A little less profound. And farther away from reality.

As I lay there on the low-lying mattress on the spring bed, the kinds you find in a dormitory, flashes of my life, rapid and vivid and painful memories, the kind that life can be summed up in swam through my mind. This was the perfect death. Ideal. Blissful. And in the pain I lay. He was there. And she held my hand. They were there too, but in the background, almost hidden from view. But I could see them. They would never escape from me. Not even now when it was because of them that I lay there bleeding to death. And suddenly, it all didn't matter. It was like a force so mighty I cannot possibly express in words, snatched from me my power. My medium of defense. My body. I was there. But I was not. I was stuck in a place where time seemed not to exist and nothing felt real but my own presence. It was a vacuum of nothingness. No color, no sound, nothing but the echo of a distant body that you could safely assume was my soul. The very core of my being. And what was I to do now? Sit and wait? For i wouldn't know how long I would wait. But waiting seemed like all I could do. Everything was now nothing. No hint of a step, no sign of life. This was what happened then, wasn't it? When you died? You were reduced to this immovable, hollow, immeasurable thing. Nothing existed in this world. Although it would be incorrect to call this place a world. It was more like a singular intangible existence without purpose nor meaning. Just there. Waiting to be discovered and moved. An endless wait. That's all.

I really need to move on to happier phases of writing. Nonsensical, thoughtless and morbid writing never did any good.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Ironic, huh?

The Kamna folder is found.
Peace and Tranquility has been restored!
YaY! :D
I am awesome!
So much for nothing.

Wait, though, this does NOT nullify the last post.
The No-Facebook thing is still on!
yay yay yay yay yay!

Say what?

At first it seemed like a tragedy. A life threatening tragedy. That is what change constitutes doesn't it though?
And so I looked at it from a different angle. It is what you want to make it to be.
I've been wondering why life's passing so fast. These past two years have passed in haste. Too fast, too hazy for me to remember anything that's been worthwhile. Days pass, and this emptiness just keeps on building. There's nothing to do. In fact, there's no inspiration to do. There are several things on my mind, but nothing here. Nothing ever.
It's when you lose things that you realize it's value.
It's also only when you lose things that you learn to live without them.
I've been collecting my personal pictures for the past five years. 2000 of them. And I lost them yesterday. This weekend has been so life changing. I know now what to do. I totally mind-blogged in the bathroom an hour ago. But now somehow the whole flow is gone.
But heck, that's not important. I'm blogging to make a statement now. For everyone to see.
I'm done.
I need to get my ass off this computer, deactivate the stupid blood-sucking time-wasting Facebook account, and move on.
Remember how life used to be without it.
It may seem a petty thing to do but Facebook has been a part of my life. It's the petty things you must discard so as to start afresh. And so this is important for me. To let go of these bad habits and finally make time to do the things I've been yapping and cribbing about doing since I don't know when.
You can't wait for things to happen to you. There's nothing like destiny. I'm so sick and tired of wasting my time and life online. I really need to buck up and DO something. Find my true calling finally. I never thought I'd be so aimless and helpless when I was younger. I had dreams of me being really into life, and dreams of me somewhere that's not here. I'm turning eighteen soon. I need to know what it is I want from this life and figure who I am and stuff.
I am so done. So done.
Vent-typing feels good :)

OKAY. So the Game Plan for now.
  1. Start Reading Again, Full-On.
  2. Study Hard For These Exams.
  3. Do The Chai-Time In The Paper EVERY Day. Apart From Reading The Paper Of Course.
  4. Restart Spanish And Continue Sign Language Learning.
  5. Become A Better Daughter.
  6. Write More.
  7. Experience Again Life In All It's Minuscule Details.
Good Day :)

(Don't you just love it when you happen to make big life changes on the first of a month? :D)