Friday, March 11, 2011

Something I wrote a few days ago

Studying, or the lack of it, essentially sitting down with the intention to study at some point after my intending to sit to study, always seems to bring out a want to write something, sing something, doing anything, but studying. It's something I have struggled with for years. In my kindergarten teacher's reports, there are remarks that read: "Kamna gets distracted very easily." I guess that explains why my only memories of that time is of me fiddling with clay and talking to my best buddy/first love Koko. I ran a search on him sometime ago, and found, to my great delight that there is a kid star of my age in Lagos today, by the name of Koko. I have a fantasy that one day we shall stumble upon each other when I am revisiting my place of birth and get married in Ikoyi Club.

It will not happen. My speaking about it jinxes it. I don't believe in jinxes. Yet I know that somehow when you dream absurdly, or expect absurdly nine times out of ten, you're jinxing it so it won't happen. That's a stupid thing to state though. At the end of the day you never know what will happen. It's so cool. The way things are so unexpected, the way the future is so elusive. You never can tell what's going to happen with decided conviction. Unless you're really determined to make something happen for yourself. But sometimes, actually most times, what you want for yourself today is hardly ever what you want for yourself tomorrow. But then what we need tomorrow might be the same as today's need. So unpredictable that makes things. It gives you hope too, in some cases. Tomorrow you may do something entirely different than what you're doing today. The courage to make decisions for your self today is so brief and spontaneously brought about. If you never make decisions how will you achieve anything? I think I am just writing, rather stating, just for the heck of it. And now I think I will make the decision to study now. I have an hour before Dexter. I intend on following it religiously on TV; all five seasons. That's the plan for now. I will keep you'll in the know if I change my mind. That again, depends on the niceness of the show, which I am counting on. I like following shows on TV. Lie to me was the last one I followed religiously.

A few hours later...

Okay since I haven't posted this yet and I want to blog further...
I don't know, I was just about to drift off to sleep and I was thinking about things, and wondered why people write. More specifically, blog, like this post in particular.
Originally this was the sort of stuff you would mindlessly write onto a personal diary. Except I never kept one. Somehow the idea of writing pages about how my day went and how I felt about things, didn't seem exactly emotionally gratifying in any way. Blogging ironically does. The reason it is appealing here is because there is the possibility of being read. People who keep diaries write not for that satisfaction, they write for themselves. Writing itself is therapeutic enough for them. On the other hand when you blog, you WANT people to read your posts because it gives you the impression that YOU are being read:the very soul of you, naked and open to judgement of the world. Everybody likes to feel like they can be related to, everybody likes to feel included and normal. That's why there are those 'like' pages on Facebook. The ones that talk about how much you hate it when you're phone flashes "battery low." These common frustrations make us one, make us all feel like a part of one kind of life, or lifestyle.
Writing is a form of expression. It means different to different people. Not all expressions are expressed with the expectation of a response.
But it is nice, the idea of someone reading your writing, however personal you've wanted to keep it, and that person completely and wholeheartedly understanding what you wrote.
I can't be sure though, I'll have to ask someone who keeps a diary whether they could even entertain the thought of someone violating their space.
But it's not exactly violation; you could see that again in many different ways.
Okay I will sleep now.
Dexter was morbid fun!

I stopped watching that shit!

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