123rd Post!

Dear You,
This is probably the gayest post I will have ever written. Actually I might write a lot gayer shit once we find each other (saying once I find you seems like I did all the work of finding). But I hope this is the gayest post anyway. Dear you who I will love ridiculously too much in the future. You and I have not met yet and am 20 so I have enough time. I think by 40 you should come around or I should come around to where you are (in case you're in Estonia or something.) Okay, you. I am deeply infatuated with the idea that we'll have a very nicely dramatic journey over which I will get to use all the many love songs I love so dearly on, to and for you. I don't think of myself to be a romantic person because that sounds gay in my head. (not gay in the homosexual way in case readers of this are a little too ignorant or sensitive but gay in the lame kind of sense. I only use gay for lack of a better word. I am unfortunately not as progressively good at my English.)

Yeah so you who I have not yet met or maybe I have but no brewing has started yet, I spend a lot of time with music. When I think of super deep songs for example My Love by Sara Bareilles or Dangerously in Love by Beyonce I feel overwhelmed. Because I feel like I am capable of feeling that kind of love and I wonder how lovely it would be to give that love and write songs about that love and sing them to you on long nights in our quaint little country home near hills but not scary big hills nice medium sized ones that can be hiked up to daily followed by elaborate breakfasts and playtime with our pugs. You could play an instrument and be a decent singer, not better than me or I would get a complex but nice enough to sing along with during midnight duets by campfires. And not only love songs make me think of you. All types of songs. I imagine us doing covers and singing together when we're doing housework on the weekends or in the car and going omg I'm so glad you know this song. But it's not only music. It's in other things. Small things that I think of that make me wonder about you.

I don't really have a list of things I want and am looking for in you. I think it's unrealistic to expect things. If you get me and I get you it doesn't matter what you do and what you look like. I think relationships that last a lifetime are essentially really true friendships because anyway we're not gonna be doing it when we're 64. (yay first Beatles reference.) I am not actively looking for someone to love because that's almost always futile. Even if you do that it wouldn't really work. You'll just end up fake falling with the first guy who is nice to you and feel deluded for a few weeks till he does one small petty thing that you find stupid or whatever and you realize you've been fooling yourself and it's just a physical thing or a 2 day crush. So it's better to just patiently wait and be sensible about what you're feeling!

I don't know why I am going off topic. This is supposed to be my future post to you who I am going to end up with. I don't think I have much more to add. Maybe I'll mention a few things that I expect you to be. (obviously there's some sort of list otherwise I wouldn't bother with this!)
1. Okay so you need to be able to communicate. By that I mean you should know how to speak good English and be able to say what's on your mind. I don't want to deal with someone who's more emotional than I am and from whom I have to coax out their feelings. If you can't talk to me then dude I'm not gonna sit and go mad overthinking what is going on. Communication is key. You should be good at listening too.
2. You should be taller than me. I'm 5'6''.
3. You should be smart but in a non condescending and annoying preferably cute and patient teacher kind of way.
4. You should own a pug ideally but it's good enough if you love dogs and kids.
5. If you read a lot and do some social work or show inclination towards volunteer work that would be nice. You should be curious about learning new things and not closed up or narrow minded. Also we should share common beliefs about important things like God and stuff.
6. I don't like flattery. I don't like being told what to do. I don't want 10 calls a day. I really really love my space. I'm starting to sound so weird to myself now. I should stop.
7. Respect. If your mom's brought you up well you'll be a gentleman. You should show respect not only to me but to anything that is ought to be respected. Arrogance is disgusting and it's not cool or right. Know who you are but don't amp up that idea of yourself to a level that is undeserving.

Yeah I guess that's about it. 7 things (7 happens to be my lucky number. I wonder if that's because it's my birthdate!). Not really 7 I'm sure it's a lot more just squeezed into 7. Anyway I think I'm done. Ok bye.

Fearless and Fiery Figments of Freedom

The power of the unsaid broken words born of a messed up broken world
Can be seen in her eyes
In the way she works and the way she slowly strides
It's a daily grind
Her life is one slow motion ride
And her friends they say nothing
For what friends she has all are but one
Her little child is her everthing
And her little baby is her only joy
The only one in whom she finds no fear in her tiny blacker than black eyes
Her baby will do the things
That she could not afford to dream of doing
She'll fly and she'll be fearless
Without any woes
Without misery

Bother Brother Breather Brothel Bladder Lather Broth

Betti was feeling particularly hot and bothered at the end of her hard work day at the brothel. As she sat to lather herself in the quaint little bath tub she felt like this was a breather she greatly deserved. Her brother sat in the foyer untying his shoes when suddenly he felt the urge to pee, his bladder engorging with 2 liters of pale yellow urine. He dashed into the toilet where Betti lay languidly in her tub the sounds of her breathing soft and mellow. As he relieved himself he realized he forgot all about the heavy meaty broth that was now quietly spilling over the edge of the earthen pot. As Bertie set the table in their dark almost formidable looking room Betti tip-toed her way in wearing her peach pink bathrobe, her feet still damp and soaked from her luxurious oatmeal and sandalwood bath. She dropped the expanse of her behind down onto the hugely dense and comfortable sofa and switched the stereo on. Tonight she was too tired to let the jazz special trouble her. Jazz reminded her of her ex husband, a sax player. She was in no mood to eat and soon she dozed off her neck positioned awkwardly on the side of the leather recliner. Bertie ate his meal with great gluttony. It was his only meal after all. Tired too from the long work hours of manual labour at the mine and his body unwashed and marked with stubborn tar, Bertie blew off the candle burning in the lamp and laid himself onto the rat chewed mauve carpeting, a heavy lump of sorrow rising in the depths of his throat as he recalled the loving memories of their 3 days-now-dead bunny Alfred.

B&W

Black indicates depth while white assumes a paper like quality and thus in comparison falls flat in our imaginations. This is because we associate black with darkness and darkness incites fear of the unknown. Fear of lurking danger and unending creepiness. The presence of black holes in the universe is supportive to the theory of black having depth. Imagining a white hole is made difficult because of this. Although if you really think about it, white could have just as much depth if not more and could induce a lot of fear. White is blank. In a white world there would not be chaos at all. But instead a deepening sense of complete and utter deathlike silence that doesn't echo because there's nothing for it to bounce off on. Complete quiet that would cause a drastic opposite of the feeling of being peaceful. And then you have grey areas that connect the two on a whole new level. Grey would be too dull. I couldn't live in such a dismal world. I'd rather live in a fruit. Like a microscopic insect I would bite my way into an orange and feed on tiny orange whatdoyoucallits that taste like sweet heaven sun bathing.