Thursday, March 24, 2011

I'm Gonna Get Over You!

It was impulse that brought about what I did that made what everything else that happened, happen.
Afterward I was in hysterics.
This was followed by a numbness which brought about a kind of depression when everything, life, all seemed futile.
The depression got severe with each day. Fighting with the numbness it finally broke into full force a week after.
The gravity of what I did started to dawn upon me. It was then that it fully hit me. I felt sad, deeply, immensely sad.
For about another week this lasted, didn't feel like just a week though.
After this, I felt fine. Just fine. Not happy. But fine. The sad thoughts no longer propelled me to tears. I could handle it. Almost.
This is the last week. Come Saturday, it shall be a month since it happened. Goodbyes are always hard. They're harder still when it's one-sided.
I won't say I am sorry for myself, but yes I am sorry for what I did. But not sorry enough to want to undo it. I am just sorry enough to wish I never had to do it.
I hope that should suffice my conscience for now.
I am neither uncomfortable nor comfortable. I am just, somewhere in the middle maybe. But I know where I am going. I know time is a long and hard teacher. I know I will get to that warm happy place soon enough. And on Saturday I will commemorate this special hope and promise to self by eating a nice warmed-up-in-the-microwave chocolate crossaint.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Note From The Dead

Hey Jeremy,


You know how they show it in the movies, that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes?
Well that's bullshit. Ask me. I know.
Because I am dead. If you've not noticed yet.
When I died it was no dramatic affair.
No colossal fight with it; no fight as such to survive.
No loud noises. It was quiet when I died. And quick.
I wasn't shot or stabbed. I wasn't murdered.
I didn't take my life either. I was too brave for that. You know that.
It wasn't a peaceful death. People should not confuse peace with silence. It can be really noisy and yet you can be peaceful.
I just died, you know.
Of course you don't. You're alive.
No fancy heaven with angels after either. No after life. No God lounging in his blue-yellow pajamas on his cloud couch giving you the peace sign. That would be funny. I would laugh at his face if that happened. But it didn't happen.
Nothing happened.
I'm still here, except I am not here.
I will be waiting for you on the other side. This being the other side, if you know what I mean. Of course you don't know what I mean. You don't know what it feels like to be dead. The other side is a world, quite like yours, except it's completely inverted. It's a mirror image of your world. We are in a parallel world where what's your left is our right. Although we're in a parallel world, we coexist in the same place. We complement your world. We're in the space you are not. It's fun. I get to float all the time.
And at least you get to write notes to your boyfriend who has probably not noticed you're dead yet. That's the upside.
Also, I don't have to worry about food.


Yours with tons of spook,
Bernadette

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Inspired by a conversation with the sister

It is never as easily done as it is said it will be done.
Things are never what they seem. Most times.
All my life I have believed things are what you make them to be.
And have thus believed wholeheartedly in the concept that life is indeed simple. That is because I have always wanted it to be simple. Simplex is not simple. It's complex. But then again it's simple if you can understand and deal with the complex. That is why probably the designation, simplex.
Everyone who believes in the simplicity of life would be in total agreement with me if I were to state, not for the first time, that you should do what makes you happy. That forms the base of this simplicity in life. The happiest people are the ones blessed with ignorance and those who live by the simple belief of doing what makes them happy.
But the brutal truth of life is that: it's never so easy. There are always hurdles to conquer, the path is rocky, the one that leads to happiness. But then it is supposed to be difficult. If life is not difficult today it cannot be easy tomorrow. Being happy is not an instant gratification process. That's if you're excluding the burst of joys that are attained from doing simple things like eating your favourite chocolate or using your favourite shampoo.
If only life were that simple.
There are so many problems that can occur when deciding to do the things that will make us happy.

One: what you may want for yourself to make you happy NOW might be different from what you may want tomorrow. For example, wanting to go home to family right now when you're working your ass off at meetings abroad, because that will make you happy NOW versus continuing to work hard feeling miserable about life now, knowing that when you finally go home you will be happy. This instance is for the future guarantee of happiness. That's what people do. You are constantly making provisions for your future happiness. You're studying so that one day you can earn good money thinking that that money will make you happy. And it will, undoubtedly, to a certain extent.

Two: This a huge problem. What if what you want and what makes you happy are two different things? What do you do then? For example, a drug addict WANTS them drugs, but he wants them knowing that it is not making him happy. The feeling he feels after he gets his fix is not that of happiness, it's that of lust gratified. Deep down he KNOWS how pathetic he is. He can't even look himself in the eyes.

Three: What if doing what you want to do will make you happy now, but you know after a while you're going to be miserable? Do you NOT do it simply because you're so sure about your future miserableness? Do you do it anyway, with the attitude that the consequences will be dealt with as and when they come?

Four: The whole highly spiritual concept of inner happiness. What is that business? Inner happiness is all about feeling happy regardless of the environment you're in, and spreading that happiness like a prism of light. That is so noble and all, but how do you overcome the basic human instinct of defense and survival. This probably doesn't make sense because I haven't made the link yet, so, here: defense and survival are primitive instincts that stems from being selfish, or having that basic sense of self preservation. And when you're selfish, which everyone is, wouldn't you want for those things to happen, that will be in your best interests? Won't you want to rid yourself of a bad environment? Won't you want to fight to get and do the things that make you happy? Of course you will. Maybe I am being cynical and appearing to shun the concept of inner happiness, but I am merely trying to rationalize it all out. Make sense of things. Weigh the odds.

Five: the worst of all, what if your happiness is at the cost of someone else's? Do you then choose to be selfish and do what it is to make yourself happy? Do you NOT do it, solely for their happiness, hoping that act of grudging selflessness will give you probably even more happiness that you could ever dream of? So many unanswered questions.

Six: Love. Yeah, love. Many times love prevents happiness. Love keeps that woman who is repeatedly mentally abused by her husband stay. Love makes people stay, no matter how much it hurts. Couples stay together in a loveless marriage because of their love for their kids. How about fighting for love then? If it's love that makes you happy, then shouldn't you fight for it? I think that at the end of the day, it's about how much effort you put to save yourself and others, how much you fought to keep yourself happy, how much you fought to keep the love.

I don't know whether I like how I have written this, with the whole one two three shit. I think the essential idea of this whole happiness shit is to find inner peace. When you are at peace, that's when you're happy. Aim to be unruffled by petty things, unaffected by anyone, unanswerable to anyone, detached from sentiments, unarmed because you only need armour when you're fighting; aim to be unguarded yet strong.
But is that rational? Isn't that too high an aim? How can you be all these things? They seem so impossible. But it isn't impossible. Nothing is. Right?

Friday, March 11, 2011

Something I wrote a few days ago

Studying, or the lack of it, essentially sitting down with the intention to study at some point after my intending to sit to study, always seems to bring out a want to write something, sing something, doing anything, but studying. It's something I have struggled with for years. In my kindergarten teacher's reports, there are remarks that read: "Kamna gets distracted very easily." I guess that explains why my only memories of that time is of me fiddling with clay and talking to my best buddy/first love Koko. I ran a search on him sometime ago, and found, to my great delight that there is a kid star of my age in Lagos today, by the name of Koko. I have a fantasy that one day we shall stumble upon each other when I am revisiting my place of birth and get married in Ikoyi Club.


It will not happen. My speaking about it jinxes it. I don't believe in jinxes. Yet I know that somehow when you dream absurdly, or expect absurdly nine times out of ten, you're jinxing it so it won't happen. That's a stupid thing to state though. At the end of the day you never know what will happen. It's so cool. The way things are so unexpected, the way the future is so elusive. You never can tell what's going to happen with decided conviction. Unless you're really determined to make something happen for yourself. But sometimes, actually most times, what you want for yourself today is hardly ever what you want for yourself tomorrow. But then what we need tomorrow might be the same as today's need. So unpredictable that makes things. It gives you hope too, in some cases. Tomorrow you may do something entirely different than what you're doing today. The courage to make decisions for your self today is so brief and spontaneously brought about. If you never make decisions how will you achieve anything? I think I am just writing, rather stating, just for the heck of it. And now I think I will make the decision to study now. I have an hour before Dexter. I intend on following it religiously on TV; all five seasons. That's the plan for now. I will keep you'll in the know if I change my mind. That again, depends on the niceness of the show, which I am counting on. I like following shows on TV. Lie to me was the last one I followed religiously.
Bye.




A few hours later...


Okay since I haven't posted this yet and I want to blog further...
I don't know, I was just about to drift off to sleep and I was thinking about things, and wondered why people write. More specifically, blog, like this post in particular.
Originally this was the sort of stuff you would mindlessly write onto a personal diary. Except I never kept one. Somehow the idea of writing pages about how my day went and how I felt about things, didn't seem exactly emotionally gratifying in any way. Blogging ironically does. The reason it is appealing here is because there is the possibility of being read. People who keep diaries write not for that satisfaction, they write for themselves. Writing itself is therapeutic enough for them. On the other hand when you blog, you WANT people to read your posts because it gives you the impression that YOU are being read:the very soul of you, naked and open to judgement of the world. Everybody likes to feel like they can be related to, everybody likes to feel included and normal. That's why there are those 'like' pages on Facebook. The ones that talk about how much you hate it when you're phone flashes "battery low." These common frustrations make us one, make us all feel like a part of one kind of life, or lifestyle.
Writing is a form of expression. It means different to different people. Not all expressions are expressed with the expectation of a response.
But it is nice, the idea of someone reading your writing, however personal you've wanted to keep it, and that person completely and wholeheartedly understanding what you wrote.
I can't be sure though, I'll have to ask someone who keeps a diary whether they could even entertain the thought of someone violating their space.
But it's not exactly violation; you could see that again in many different ways.
Okay I will sleep now.
Toodles.
Dexter was morbid fun!


Now...
I stopped watching that shit!



Thursday, March 03, 2011

A Glossary of my Mindless Babbling and Bubbly Quirks


My sister's roomie is a boy from East Timor
My brain's infected with a tumor I am sure

I try and make my head for once a little free
But instead I swallow the bark of a cinnamon tree

I don't enjoy studying about shares
Of brokers and markets, Bears and Bulls, who cares


I got yellow-green phlegm in the back of my throat
Henna on my hand so I couldn't push a boat


Miss Dawson in her skirt plays her guitar out in the cold
For fans who couldn't fit in the hall 'cause all tickets were sold

The night feels long and over sincere
Promising a day that I wish will be clear

All day long I've sat and for calm have sought
And of you seventy-four and half times I've thought

Buildings all around with the sound of the rain
But bringing nothing but some breeze and some pain

In vain I wait for my mind to just focus
I know in my heart it is all simply bogus

Almonds are nice and good and healthy
I shall from tomorrow pop in my mouth at least twenty

Tempted to read that book in my drawer
I wonder why I leave everything at the eleventh hour

Trying so hard to keep myself from calling
I cannot afford a fifth time falling

Guitar looks at me and I look at guitar
Tomorrow I shall strum you after a long comfortable shower

Gems I crave for, yellow and green and orange and pink
I want to smell the badness of the skunk's stink

My Favourite Martian a shout out to you
For inspiring to write fun shit when I'm blue

I like shoes with straps, and light pink sparkly lip balm
Mine I bought because of the pretty firang sales woman at the fair
Don't like it 'cause it's coconut-y and more like oil than balm
Now I'll end this just because I've had my share



THIS COULD TOTALLY BE A RAP SONG!

Hope is sometimes a Stupid thing.


My whole life

Explained in just

One piece where

Darkness only surrounds

Under the sea

Silent, in waiting

Song!

A few weeks ago  Me and my friends composed a fun song in a Manali hotel on a college trip while it was snowing outside. Although we sang in tune, we didn't end up taking a video, and then later I thought we could take a video once we can make a tune on the guitar to go with it.


The LYRICS!


Verse 1:
It snows over the mountains
It snows over the trees
It snows everywhere
It makes us free-eze!


Chorus:
Snowman
Snow angels
Snow flakes
We're gonna go out
Whatever it takes!


Verse 2:
Snowing over the houses
Snowing over the lakes
Come on guys
Let's put on some skates!


Repeat Chorus!


Verse 3:
In and out the cold haze
Yaks lookin' at us with tha-at fa-ace
Air smokin' all over the place
Got us horny for a fire blaze!


Repeat Chorus!


Verse 4:
Down and dirty in the snow
Ooh we're all wet
Takin' it all in the chilly winter blow
Downing a Swiss Miss we're soo set!


Repeat Chorus!

Kwotz Conteenewed


If you say what you shouldn't say. Don't be surprised when you hear what you shouldn't hear.


Normality is merely a matter of consensus, that is, a lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right.


Diplomacy is the art of postponing decisions until the problems resolve themselves.


Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains.


The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort.


The only cure to bitterness is the awareness of life and the medication is the awareness of death. Because the awareness of death encourages us to live more intensely.


We don't spontaneously learn that we don't learn that we don't learn.


Those who wish to sing, always find a song.


The tragedy of life is not that man loses, but that he almost wins.


A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.


The mind acts and regrets, the heart acts and forgives.


Don't do something permanently stupid just because you are temporarily frustrated and angry.


Real difficulties can be overcome, imaginary ones are unconquerable.


The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.


We always feel bad that good things happen only to others; but we always forget that we are others for someone else.


Miss the one who is ready to miss anything for you.


We're all wannabes. Imagine if we didn't wanna be; we'd never end up becoming anything.


It's always too early to quit and never too late to start or try again.


People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.


It is because of it's emptiness that the cup is useful.


If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.


Desire to not desire, learn to unlearn.


It is said that the path into light is dark. That the path forward is backward. That true power seems weak, that true purity seems tarnished, that true resolve seems changeable, that true clarity obscure. The greatest art is unsophisticated, the greatest love indifferent, the greatest wisdom childish.


The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open.


Knowledge talks, wisdom listens.


The quote, "I love you too much to let you go" does not ring true.
For the meaning of the truest love lies in the willingness to let go, with no hope or future expectations from your love.
The ability to let go,
The ability to enforce change,
Lies but in the hearts of the BRAVE.