Friday, August 25, 2017

I've Decided I'll Be Fine

There I said it - I have recklessly been wrecked
Kimya Dawson said this when she heard about MJ dying:
“Having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up”
So am I to drown in self-pity?
No thanks

When you splash water in your eyes, your eye socket is practically gargling your eyeballs
I never understood people who splash water in their eyes
And movies where you see people underwater with their eyes wide open
My instinct tells me to close my eyes the second there’s a chance of water seeping in

But I don’t understand the world and its people
Nobody wants to take a godless decision and funnily, the god needn’t be God

No one ever dies from lack of attention
It’s better to fake being in love with a real person than admit to being enamoured by a Googlebot
But sometimes it is nice for someone to crawl over you regularly
Reading you, understanding what’s new
Even if it’s so that they can go behind your back and tell the world about you
You can’t hear someone else’s thoughts if you have a loud mind
And you can’t always be aligning and justifying yourself as if you’re a column on Indian
womens cricket

Feeling good is so underrated because feeling great is so overrated
Being honest with yourself is so underrated because not lying to others is so overrated
I could go on
But I get it, and you can’t forget this:
Nobody can set the sun on fire
And you can’t forget this either:
To become futile is to prove fatal

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Rhyme & Mime

I'd like a good night's sound sleep
More than a night spent cruising the streets

I'd like a long face to face conversation
More than a short instant messaging chat session

I'd like a lovely summer spend swimming in the sea
More than a dull winter holed up in bed in front of the PC

I'd like strong drink: some gin or maybe some wine?
Why not passively lounge with no attention to time?

Life has its own mind - it's neither yesterday nor tomorrow
So I've decided to live in today - without any sorrow

So find me a quaint cottage made for six
Housing a quarreling old couple a dog can fix

No Man (or Woman) is an Island

The finality of death is in such stark contrast to the predictability of birth.
Being a psychopath is better than having a psycho in your path
Sipping from a juice box titled "Compliance" may give you the courage to step on stage

But what if you fell in love with love?
And when you fell in love it was to the sound of music that felt like love
What if you understood both the value of meaning and the meaning of value?
And what if you understood that love was meaning?
Then living with meaning would mean living for love

When are you really strong - when you're strong enough to show weakness?
Or are you really strong when you show strength despite being weak?

Meaning can be found in another things though
Because love's not nearly enough for most people
Love has a shelf life
Love needs preservatives

My heart is still mine
And if I choose hope
It's my choice
You don't get to dictate how much and for how long I should care

It's the very same old sad songs that I find myself in when I'm lost
It's the same old pyjamas I feel most comfortable in when I feel like giving up

Your eyebrows and eyelids were the softest I had ever felt
I was utterly devoted to your temples
I am

Every one knows that a broken heart is blind
The insularity of a troubled mind
It's inescapable

But I'll be good
I choose hope

My mother presses the top of the toothpaste tube and I press the bottom
And the days go on

Quotes Quotes Quotes

I can't believe my last post was 3 years ago. Anyway, here goes:

If you don't build a dream, someone else will help you build theirs.

The mind is not in the body. The body is in the mind.

The extent of the love of women is not known, even to those who are the objects of their affection, on account of its subtlety, and on account of the avarice, and natural intelligence of womankind.

Love is the world's infinite mutability; lies, hatred, murder even, are all knit up in it; it is the inevitable blossoming of its opposites, a magnificent rose smelling faintly of blood.

A coward is more afraid of being discovered than he is of anything else, even dying.

You have to learn to drive your own car before you call shotgun on someone else's

You need to know that no one else's opinion can invalidate your own

Once you cultivate the habit of being with yourself no body else's company will come close

100 Things I Love

I wrote this post as an answer to a very dear friend's request a couple of years ago. Nice to have a log of these kind of things.

1. Pugs/Dogs
2. Pirogi
3. Jigsaw puzzle
4. Oranges
5. Sleep
6. Knitting
7. Long walks
8. Singing
9. Listening to music
10. Dreams
11. Period dramas
12. Travelling - train, bus and plane
13. Chocolate
14. Tea
15. Love
16. Roller coasters
17. Long drives
18. Having a quiet conversation when it is quiet
19. Animated movies and cartoons
20. Playing with babies and infants
21. Taking photos
22. Painting my nails
23. Wearing eyeliner
24. Oiling my hair and tying two plaits
25. Looking through old things I have saved for memory safekeeping
26. Dancing with abandon
27. That energetic healthy feeling after working out at the gym
28. When my hair is played with
29. Way 'he' smiles at me
30. When I shower after sweating a lot in the heat and sun
31. New shampoo/soap/conditioner
32. Lip balms
33. Crying when I am feeling low, moody or hormonal
34. Jumping up and down
35. Doing any arithmetic in my head, computer or on paper
36. Reminiscing about the past
37. Planning for the future :)
38. Feeling very excited in the present ;)
39. Really writing or expressing and experiencing my feelings like water
40. Swimming
41. Star gazing
42. Moon gazing
43. Seeing friends after a very long time
44. The rain
45. Snow :)
46. Vodka with orange juice = Screwdriver
47. Wine
48. Candy Crush level clearing
49. Cake
50. Cheese fries
51. Chicken sausages
52. Chicken ham and spam (luncheon meat)
53. Jam
54. Bananas
55. Air plane food
56. Lemon
57. Powder
58. The colour yellow
59. My mom
60. Samosa
61. Taco Bell
62. Polish things
63. Breakfast cereal and muesli
64. Milkshakes
65. Momos
66. Karaoke
67. Stand up comedy shows
68. Poetry
69. Scrabble
70. Sunglasses
71. Floral wedges
72. Summer prints and dresses and tunics that cinch at the waist
73. Handmade soaps
74. Cookies
75. Bad jokes
76. Beaches
77. Laughing till it hurts
78. Inside jokes
79. Ironic jokes and puns
80. Smell of detergent
81. Smell of petrol
82. Hot water bag
83. Socks
84. Massages
85. Holding hands
86. Colouring books
87. Running
88. Water
89. Playing with a flame
90. Bubbles
91. Pay day
92. Towels comforters and bedsheets
93. Gzarniek
94. Sunflowers
95. Reading stories
96. Writing stories
97. Sunday
98. My sister
99. Her dog

100. Time

Spoken Word #1

"Let me tell you a story."

Everyday I would ask, "tell me something scary, I want to hear something that will freak me out. I want to get really messed up in the head. Tell me something scary."

And everyday she would come and say, "let me tell you a story."

And everyday it was the same story. And everyday I used to wonder, "there's nothing scary about this story. Why does she keep saying it the same way in the same delivery and tone and with the same pregnant pauses."

Fear belongs to the unknown. It cannot be anticipated. It can't be measured. It can't be bound by a limited imagination. Fear knows how to take and take it does, very well.

A morbid interest in dark unknowables
Anxiety to keep the sheets warm but your feet cold
Fear that's anticipated but always fucking underestimated
Nightmares that put Alice to shame

You would think it's the perfect recipe for insanity

She will tell you all you're mind is prepared to hear
What she won't tell you is that your curiosity will give you scalded fingers
It will poke holes in a seemingly strong sense of self
It will create existential doubt so profound
A mere mirror'd personify true terror

To decrypt is not to heal
Guess what though
Foregoing is

And Accepting is

Friday, May 12, 2017

Pleasingly Positive Post for Posterity

Vacant with a few rooms to rent
Or a buzzing hive
Or calm like the ocean with volcanoes on the floor

Such elusiveness
Much appeal

Please don't mind me while I mine my mind

Bad kidneys make you disturbingly obese when you're approaching senility (in other words, oldage)

I walked out this morning and passed a hawker by my gate
Hawking is great skill
Had me imagine a sweet father-son relationship
Regular training sessions
Where a little boy of four gazed in wonder and admiration
As his father taught him the art of hawking
The twang the throat had to create
To create an echoing reverberation
Throughout the entire society
Thoroughly​ throughout four buildings
How lovely it would have been: the days where he would hold his father's little finger while they walked through the city's suburban lanes
Selling and buying rejected old books
And old paper
He learned how to read from given up old school books
How to write basic English words by taking a pencil and writing over thrown away homework
Everything he knew today was because of those rejected papers
And today he goes back to a family that loves him
A good life his father chose for him
His own son is learning now everyday
How to hawk and how to read
And how to write
And how to be like his father
And his grandfather

How simple
And how truly wonderful

Friday, January 20, 2017

Mildly Mindless Mindfulness

There is a lot to be said about not knowing
Would we know everything we know today
With the confidence with which we know it
If we started out with the premise of imagining all that was unknown to be inherently unknowable?

And if we were pessimistic fools
Rather than arrogant buffoons
How real could this confidence possibly be?

Till the day one lives in a bodysuit under serenely blue earthlight, if that day were to ever come, all that is unknowable is likely to stay that way

What's going to happen to all the orbital debris?
Look at the mess we've made in such a huge space
Who's going to want to visit when the front lawn is filthy?

My friend Toby, being honest told me one day, that one day the water will go bland
But Toby was misinformed
Because water was always bland
He took to the bottle and the bottle took his life
My last text to him was a typo
I said "Sea you"
What an unintended curse

Sometimes the mind is so quiet
All you can feel is something like
Baling hay

And sometimes
Minds take trips

Friday, January 13, 2017

Gauged, Waged, Raged, Bandaged & Caged

A life where it's assumed that there is life after work. Where you can afford a big house and a car in a good suburb. Where little puppies can run with abandon in wide open dog parks. Where simple joys like sunsets and sand and moonlight and fresh air are hungrily devoured. Where you can climb mountains weekly. Where your knees, not your very soul, could possibly pose the only true threat. Where evenings are open to indulge in your surroundings. A truly liveable life. An idyllic reality a mind like mine struggles to fully fathom.

A life where work consumes your mind and practically every waking hour. Where owning a one bedroom apartment is an impossible dream. Where billboards and smog continually dissipate all ideas of natural beauty. Where all imagination endures a silent death. Where a mind, however motivated, is constricted by the lethargy of a increasingly unhealthy body. Where there's not a fortunate moment of privacy. Where the crowds only exaggerate solitude without the quietude. Where there is adversity, terribly sorry sights, everywhere the eyes can see. Where empathy takes a backseat in exchange of a modicum of unchallenged peace.

To have the choice to change
To forego familiarity that bred comfort
To abandon a love I may never find again
To wipe clean the slate for a predictably stable future

Or to stay loyal to a life once dearly forged
And continue regularly to
Being content with being dealt an unequal hand
Working harder every day for an impossible end
Dreaming big dreams
Making globe-trotting plans
Independently hosting sustainable happiness

I may never know what could have been
The curiosity of not knowing can kill me
The indifference of not knowing can save me

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Always be Contrasting

A tall claim and a small promise
A brash command and a feeble request
A line of condescension and a word of praise
A wave of fear and a ray of hope
A flush of anger and a flash of calmness
A warning of danger and a sign of rescue
A cool handshake and a tight hug
A look of contempt and a gaze of adoration
One step forward and one step backward